What Happened To All The Bank Robbers?
What happened to all the bank robbers? There used to be a ton of robberies all the time. You’d turn on the news and there they were breaking into the Fourth/Second Bank right down the street! Robbers in ski masks with loaded guns—and beige embroidered bags with the cash symbol on them.
Where’d they get those bags?
Do you think that’s how they eventually got caught? The police went straight to the source.
Bank Robber: Yes, I’d like a beige bag with a cash symbol embroidered right there on the side… Hey, wait a second, you’re not my embroidery guy!
Sometimes, they wear Halloween masks. There’s really nothing like getting held up by Cat Woman and Spider-Man.
Hostage: I thought you were on my side?... Times really have changed!
The robbers would line everyone up first.
Bank Robber: Single file, everyone!
It felt like you were back in school lining up for a field trip.
Bank Robber: No cutting the line! We may be robbers, but we won’t put up with that sort of thing.
They sit everyone down behind one of the reception desks. Start taking away phones.
That’s got to be the hardest thing. We’re all so attached to our phones. It’s the first thing we pick up in the morning—the last thing we put down at night.
Hostage: You want this phone. You’ll have to pry it out of my cold dead hands!
There’s always that one hostage who tries to become best friends with the robbers. This idiot thinks he’ll be the first hostage to be set free—to be let out for good behavior.
The police lineup out front. Ducking behind their cars. FBI shows up in dark aviators. There’s always two of these guys, with one toothpick shared between both of them.
There’s that argument over jurisdiction between the FBI and the cops. But sunglasses and toothpicks beat local law enforcement.
Then the FBI calls the robbers.
Of course, maybe there aren’t bank robbers around anymore because it never worked out. There’s always that one guy who grows a conscience.
Bank Robber 1: Should we be doing this
Bank Robber 2: You could have picked a better time to have a moral crisis, Dave.
Bank robbers always demand a helicopter, which they never get.
What would happen if someone tried to rob a bank today?
Bank Robber: Give me the money; preferably the largest bills you have!
Bank Teller: We don’t have any bills. Everything’s digital now.
Police arrive, handcuff the guy.
Police Officer: Everything is digital. Why’d you try and rob the bank?
Bank Robber: I thought I’d get away with it. I didn’t even get to demand a helicopter.