This Is Your Captain Speaking, I Have No Formal Experience Flying A Plane, But I Have Logged A Lot Of Hours Watching The Movie Airplane.
Hi there, this is your captain speaking. I want to reassure everyone traveling today on Northeast Flight 12345 that what they heard from “gossip” among the flight attendants during this hours-long flight is simply not true… I may have no formal experience flying a plane, but I have logged a lot of hours watching the movie Airplane. That has to amount to something.
As you know, there’s a shortage of experienced pilots, which is why Northeast decided to find inexperienced ones. It has become extremely important to not disrupt air services, which is why qualifications for the FAA have been… streamlined. Candidates were required to have time on their hands… and I can assure you, I was the most qualified candidate. *laughs*
*panicked screaming*
Don’t worry! Qualification is just a big word that means nothing as it relates to air travel. It doesn’t matter how qualified you are, if the lord decides it’s time to bring this big bird down into a mountain, then I’m as qualified as anybody.
*inaudible shouting*
You ask, “How much experience do I have?” Well, let me ask you, “What is experience?” Look at me, I almost sound philosophical. Is experience defined by familiarity with a specific role? Yes. So, do I have experience as a pilot? Absolutely… not.
However, I have experienced air travel! Which, in itself, is almost exactly the same thing as being the pilot of a Boeing 737. I know what it’s like to wake up early, drink stale coffee and get into a fight with the TSA about a bottle of water—and totally miss my plane because of it. I know what it’s like to try and put my carry-on into an overhead compartment and not be able to close the bin properly without bashing my head (or someone else’s) into it. I know what it’s like to have to climb over the person in the aisle seat while they nap so I don’t wee in my pants. There’s really no difference flying economy and flying a plane.
Do you ask a plane if it has experience flying? Of course not, that’d be absurd—and not just because a plane can’t answer, but for other reasons that currently escape me.
I also have experienced some terrible cart service. When you ask for a Jack and Coke, not just any whiskey will do! Okay… Anyway, I will tolerate this drink right now… But please, I would appreciate good service. Of course, this is what you get when you hire an inexperienced air hostess.
*inaudible shouting*
What did I do before this? That’s a terribly personal question. If you must know, I was between jobs. Which is why I jumped at this.
But I do… I do have a lot of experience.
As you can tell, I have no problem speaking over the intercom. Let’s face it, most of this job is just a pilot telling you where we’re going and how we’re going to get there. I may have no formal pilot training, but I have used Google Maps before, and can easily tell you where we’re headed, so long as this flight offers complimentary WI-FI…
*inaudible whispering*
Apparently this fight does not offer complimentary WI-FI… Sorry, how much? Yes, well we’ll be flying without Google Maps then. But that’s fine. I can always orient myself by licking my finger and sticking it out the window…
*Rush of wind over the intercom. Plane plunges.*
Yes, east is that way…
Anyway, if you look to your left, you’ll see a big city. To your right, the ocean. And if you look straight ahead, that’s the ground.
That feeling of weightlessness you’re currently experiencing is perfectly normal. It is not, as the shouting copilot next to me suggests, the feeling you get coming down from the ark of a really big swing. But, what does he know? He’s only six.
*blaring beeping*
Anyway, we hope you enjoyed your flight with us today. Please, as you frantically escape the fiery fuselage, do not forget to thank your air hostess.